February 7, 2008
Clemens testifies behind closed doors
Dan:
Point - feel sorry for Roger Clemens. I really do. Why he chooses to testify in private is beyond me. Last I checked, “testifying”, aka joining a gospel choir, is perfectly acceptable. Have films such as “The Fighting Tempations” taught us nothing? Gospel is fun and a crowd pleaser. I doubt baseball officials will care if they hear him screaming “Can I get an Amen? Can. I. Get. An. Amen?” I say spread the word in public, Roger. Spread the word.
Amen.
Aaron:
Counterpoint- Roger Clemens just needs some inspiration to testify in public. I recommend he look at some of the world’s most famous testimonials. One being Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. His testimonial for the truth is not only fierce, but public. I also would recommend he look toward Jesus, whose Sermon On The Mound not only inspired an entire movement, but also helped the 32 AD Giants win the World Series. Can I get an amen?
January 25, 2008
Dog-lead goths ‘hounded off bus’
“A goth who leads his girlfriend around with a dog lead and collar was stopped from getting on a bus amid fears for passenger safety, a bus firm confirmed.”
Aaron:
Point – I don’t get it. The guy was out for a walk with his fiancee on a leash. Why was he getting on the bus? A leash is clearly for walking. The bus driver had every right to keep them from riding the bus. Also, this just further confirms my firmly held belief that Goth people are weird.
Dan:
Counterpoint – You’ve done it again, Mr. Behl. Sometimes an argument is so precise and dead on, I can only bow my head to you. Oh, and while I’m bowing, why don’t you strap a leash around me and take me for a walk? We’ll galavant around town, take public transportation, and have a gay old time! These Goths are getting more an more weird by the day. I thought Goths went the way of the dodo around the time Marilyn Manson grew boobs, which is obviously the ultimate goth move. Perhaps Goth is now becoming hip 90’s chic. And if so, how’d Goth leapfrog Bugs and Taz t shirts and Zubaz pants and become the throwback of choice? I want answers. And I want someone to take me for a walk.
January 25, 2008
Bin Laden’s son to father: Change your ways
Dan:
Point – Here’s another child celebrity trying to capitalize on his family’s name for attention. I don’t know who’s worse – this guy or Natalie Cole. He better not take a cue from her and record himself into his father’s “videos”. Her duets ruined classics, and I don’t want to see the same from him. Jesus man, live your own life. Become a paralegal. Wear visors. Live off the grid. Just don’t cop your father’s style.
Aaron:
Counterpoint- Bin Laden’s kid is an idiot. Father’s never listen to their sons. Like the one time my Dad kept telling my entire family at Thanksgiving dinner that Martha Conrad ditched me at prom. I told him to stop telling the story, but he kept on doing it, embarrassing me. Why father? Why is it funny to embarrass me. You never listen to me. I hope you and your new wife are happy.
January 16, 2008
Mike Huckabee plans to secure the border with Chuck Norris
AARON:
POINT - Huckabee announced that he can secure the border because Chuck Norris backs him. The only conclusion that I can draw from this is that I live in an alternative reality. All my life I have thought that there is only one reality, but somewhere in my years I took a wrong turn. This earth-shattering revelation makes me question whether the color I have known as blue is really blue, or whether the smell of flowers isn’t really the smell of feces. The only reassuring thought I have at this dark hour is that Chuck Norris is looking out for every man, woman, and child in this great nation. God bless you Chuck Norris.
DAN:
COUNTERPOINT – I actually heard John McCain has the support of Star Wars Kid and Romney’s got the Numa Numa guy in his corner. It’s gonna be a tight race with all the candidates getting endorWHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON? Huckabee is using an internet celebrity? Yeah, that’s right, Norris is an internet celeb – no more. Actually now that I think about it, getting Norris shouldn’t be that hard. So in answer to your question, you are not living in an alternate reality. Just one that makes no sense. And if you don’t believe me, that digital dancing baby will back me up.
January 12, 2008
FBI wiretaps dropped due to unpaid bills.
AARON:
POINT – The FBI did not pay their phone bills on warranted wiretaps. I place the blame on Martha in accounting. She is always visiting her MySpace page during working hours, and quite frankly her work has been suffering. I say they don’t fire her, rather they should put her on warning. They will see an immediate improvement in her productivity and maybe even see bills be paid early.
DAN:
COUNTERPOINT – The blame can not be put on Martha for this. I don’t know if you’ve ever spoken to Martha, but she is a sad, lonely woman. Never been married, never been in a seriously relationship, never known the joys of life. She sits in that accounting office (jeesh, if you can even call it an office) all day with nobody to talk to. You ever stop in there? The moment she sees the potential for human contact, she latches on and launches into a clearly rehearsed story about how Target is the “toy store of today”. This is a woman who needs myspace to stay sane. It’s her connection to a world she never knew. If anything, it keeps her more productive by keeping her happy.
January 12, 2008
Norway nabs ‘pocket’ sex suspect
The suspect was nicknamed the “Pocket Man” by the press because he reportedly kept a hole in his trouser pockets.
DAN:
POINT – Here is a man that is unfairly being jailed for sexually abusing young boys. I see no harm in what he’s done. Sure sure, he tricked little children into grabbing his penis under the guise of ‘helping him find an object’. Sure sure he occasionally put a sticky substance (call it whatever you want – he called it ‘tape’) in his pocket hoping the boys hands would get stuck. And sure sure he did this close to 400 times.
But aren’t we all searching for that object? It may come in the form of candy. It may come in the form of a career. For him it came in the form of soft boy hands. And for 400 younglings it came in the form of an old man’s penis. Who are we to say that wasn’t the object they were hoping to find in that sticky grab-bag? We don’t know. Maybe Norway’s full of sickies. How often in your life do you voluntarily put your hands in the pockets of strangers? Maybe twice a week – when you’re an adult. But c’mon, Norway. Keep your hands and penises in your own pocket.
AARON:
COUNTERPOINT – The only reason Dan can justify the actions of this Norwegian man is because he too has a pension for having young boys hands in his pocket. Dan once asked me to reach into his pocket and get his keys. I was shocked (SHOCKED!) when I reached into his pocket and instead of keys I found a young boy’s hand in his pocket. I pulled the hand out in sheer horror and asked Dan what this was about? Dan told me he was just as surprised to find the hand in there. He had been searching so long for it, and it was in his pants all this time. We both learned a valuable lesson that day… Sometimes the objects we are searching for are right under our noses (or in this case, our pants pocket.).
January 11, 2008
Couple find nearly $12K in ‘cold cash’
AARON:
POINT – I say it was stupid for the couple to report the found cash to the authorities. The couple found the cash in the freezer and warmed it in the oven. The next logical step would be to let the money cool for 2 minutes and then serve it to your guests. You can place the leftovers in tupperware and heat them up the next day in the microwave on medium heat for 5 minutes.
DAN:
COUNTERPOINT – I cannot in anyway argue with that logic. Well done, Mr. Behl. The act of reporting the found money was the equivalent of serving this freshly cooked dish at a dinner where you only invited friends who had the first name of “Officer”. It’s just plain stupid. If anything, at this point, the money should be returned to the the people who deserve it: The drug dealers that had previously owned the apartment. The place was raided after their drug ring was busted, but they were smart enough to hide the money from forensic teams scouring the place. Let’s give credit where credit’s due.
